Note: This will be long. If you don't know me well and are too lazy to read, feel free to scroll down to the 3rd/last section. That’s the primary reason.
I’ve written and re-written this many times over the past week. Over that span of time, I talked to numerous people: the players, my fellow staff, and my parents. After consulting each party, I found one common denominator: I’m too stressed out. What should be a game to have fun has become something that’s taking a toll on me. It’s silly and stupid. I generally try to be a balanced person. This, though, is something I couldn’t meet half-way. It was either stay or leave. I thought about taking a break, but I’ve done that before. I’d always end up coming back and run into similar problems. For that reason, I’ve made this difficult decision. I wrote it in an organized format because that’s what I’m comfortable with. I’m very particular with my writing. Instead of one long ramble, I wanted it to have some structure. There's a lot of content, I wanted to show how serious I am about this decision and why. Thank you in advance for reading.
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In my 3 year history with this community I have "left" multiple times. Each time, I never felt satisfied. Whether it was a "Rage-Quit" on SMP (ha, get it?
) or a demotion on one of the servers, I never felt good about it long-term. I always ended up just disappearing then re-appearing 5-6 months later. This was either because I had never achieved the build I wanted on SMP, or never got the true chance to prove myself as a staff member. However, I can say that this time around is very different. Sadly, I never successfully stayed around for one of Blocktopia's SMP's for its entire life-span, but I'm definitely not alone there. Anyway, concerning the reasons for my resignation and leaving: there are many, but I'll divide the main ones into sections.
1. Blocktopia's Decline and the Overhaul.
Don't get me wrong. I am 100% in favor of the overhaul. Something has to be done when you lack a player base on almost all of your servers, and the majority of the community has drifted to other games. I've always been a console gamer. Minecraft is the only PC MMO I have ever played. The amount of time I have put into it is way more than I ever want to put into another PC game (or any game, for that matter). Honestly, I don’t see much being done right now, and I don't think our remaining minecraft servers will get much attention after the overhaul. If it still requires donations, I don't think it will last. Call me impatient, but here we are a month after the decision for the overhaul was made, and there’s nothing but speculation flying around. Regardless, I don’t really want to get started on another PC MMO game again.
2. The everlasting stress of RoF.
I'd be lying if I said the events of the past couple months didn't have a significant impact on this decision to resign. Since I have started Staffing in June, I have seen our average player base cut in half, major changes in the leadership (both good and bad), and progress slow to a halt thanks to bukkit. Most of these things might be fixed with the overhaul, sponge, and some advertisement. As I mentioned above, though, I don’t see much being done right now. My confidence in the direction RoF and all of minecraft will take is not optimistic.
As some of you may have noticed, I lost my position as “Trial” Vetop after holding the rank for about month. At first I was very upset about it, and, to be honest, I still am a little bit. Overall, I still think I did a good job. Then again, who wouldn’t be unhappy over losing a position? The official reason they gave me was along the lines of: “we feel Operator is a better position for you.” Not exactly a satisfying explanation, so I asked for more details. The reasons were fair enough, I suppose. I’ve since given up on any goals of ranking any further. Something I learned about all of this, though, is that I have a viewpoint that’s very different from the rest of the staff. I’m generally one to say Why Not instead of why. I’m very laid back. This is a game after all. Having set rules and guidelines is one thing, but I feel there are some things that some of the staff tend to take a bit too seriously. I also see quite a few double standards when it comes to what is considered “power abuse” and who is doing it.
RoF has become an afk server. There isn’t much that can be done about it. I just can’t sit
here putting another 30 days of ontime over the next 6 months in the hope of getting another promotion. Especially considering that I speculate Vetop won’t remain as a rank post-overhaul, which is probably for the better. I’ve burned myself out. It’s the same stuff day-to-day and I’m bored. Also, there’s a handful of staff that I don’t like. They’re like the coworkers that drive you nuts but you put up with them because the job pays you. Well, this job pays in fun. Unfortunately, dealing with said people is outweighing the fun. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my own directors. I shouldn’t be getting anxious every time I talk to somebody who is just a few years older than me and has a few more commands. All this drama is one of the many the reasons I left high school and went to homeschool. Yet, I’m just as guilty of starting and spreading the drama as many of the others are. It’s just not what I want in a game.
All that being said, I shouldn't be completely negative. I still enjoy talking to people of my own age on a day to day basis. Many of the staff I get a long with, and for the most part I get a long with almost every player. When I returned in May, 10 months after my failed Op trial the previous August, I was set on getting staff again. I wanted to prove that I could do it. The leadership and almost the entire staff base had changed, so I took it as a chance, and I can gladly say I did it. 6 months now I have been staffing and I think I’ve proved that I’m just as good of an Op as any other. In the process I made new friends. I’m content with that. I don’t need to go any farther. I've had fun, I've met some awesome people, but there are times when it’s best to let go before it becomes a greater strain, as I’ll explain below.
3. Real Life
I'm pretty sure every legit goodbye thread follows with an explanation about why Real Life has in some way or another managed to get in the way of the digital world. In my case, it's the opposite. The digital world and this server have nearly consumed me.
Let me put this in perspective (Basic Math). I have about 30 days’ worth of ontime starting in June. There are 26 weeks in 6 months. That means I’ve put an average of around 27 hours every week or about 4 hours every day. And that’s with the 3 total weeks I was away factored in. That wouldn’t be much if we were talking about multiple games across different platforms, but for one game that I rarely afk on over that span of time is an addiction.
I'm almost 2 months behind where I should be on school work. (Algebra 2) I've delayed going to get my driver's license. I’ve lost weight by not eating as often as I should. (I’m scrawny enough as it is). Worst of all, I've allowed my association with people here affect my own spirituality and faith in my beliefs. It’s getting in the way of my good habits. This is all on my mind too much and I don’t know how to control it other than to cut it altogether. Yes, I could take a break, but that will only delay the problem. If anything, I’d go away for a month and this would sit on my mind every day. Eventually, I’d just come back and make this thread. Better to get it over with now and move on.
Something about sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is more taxing than playing a console game. That could be because my face is so much closer to a very bright screen, or it could be because I'm associating and talking with people. It's like high school, but instead of being judged by my looks, I'm only judged by what I say and how I act. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I think many of us are social outcasts, and a community like this is a good place to go to escape it all - But it's not reality, and it has its drawbacks. I never really felt good at the end of the day. When I started playing an MMO that allowed communication to the extent that this one did, I got hooked. Hours went by and I couldn’t control myself. It's different with console games. I’ll get tired of playing or bored and then I move on to something else. I need to break myself free for the sake of my own sanity. Even when I’m not online, this is on my mind. Whether it’s anger or excitement, I can’t stop thinking about the server.
I just want to move on now. No more disappearing and coming back 6 months later. I want 2015 to be a new start for me. (<- Cliché) I'm going to graduate in May. I'm going to start some college classes, get a job, maybe buy a car, etc. My family is finally moving away from this hellhole of a town. Maybe I’m getting overly optimistic about the future, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing when trying to put something behind you. I might still have a lot of free time, but I want to spend that time making new friends in my new congregation and playing a variety of console games. I don't want to burn myself out on another single game to the point that I have with Minecraft.
Story Time
At the end of the last school year, I thought that I was moving. I told everybody I wasn’t coming back because I hated that school and my family was planning to move. Unfortunately, we didn’t sell the house in time. I had 2 options: go back to that school or homeschool. I chose homeschool. Why? I was not going to make myself a hypocrite. Sure, people would’ve gotten over it, but I would have instantly damaged what little reputation I had with the few people I was ever “friends” with. And, like I said, I hated that place. Moral of the story? I don’t like to make myself a hypocrite. I wrote this long over-explained goodbye thread because now I know I won’t want to make myself a hypocrite and come back. I admit it’s not quite the same situation as school because I don’t hate this place, but it’s just becoming a repetitive problem that I can’t shake. Is it something that I 100% want to do? No. Is it something I need to do? Yes.
Shoutouts
I've made a number of "internet friends" in the 3 years I've been here - many of which have come and gone. However, a few still remain that I would like to point out. Most of these people are RoF players, staff, former staff, and people I used to talk to on team speak. You guys have been amazing. I appreciate the time you have spent getting to know me, put up with me, and laugh with me. It's been a lot of fun.
Std1997, Tamzies, Elandrir, Dessern5, CaffeinatedKitty, _4_, Shadeslayer, roboboy777 asaechao, Haysagar, zack27999, CrazyBites, Dielorelie, superhalo6, Purplepixies Biblius, Mikey.
You are all people I’ve talked to a lot in since the summer and have had a significant positive impact in one way or another. I was going to add a caption for each person, but I think this thread is long enough already.
A day after this post, I’m deleting my browser history, uninstalling Teamspeak and Minecraft, and blocking this website from this computer with a password that I’ll have my parents create. I’m also removing all Facebook friends I have added from here with the exception of the people I gave shout-outs too. I’ll still use plug.dj, but not the Blocktopia “official” one. You might find me in the night core channel or my own channel/asae's channel/die's channel, but I’m only going to be using it for listening to music while doing homework. I don't really use the computer for anything else besides this and homework, anyway.
I thank all of you who took the time to read this. Once this is posted, chances are I won’t see any replies beyond the current day. I didn’t write this massive essay just to read a bunch of goodbyes and then come back later. I don't want to come off as an attention whore. I wanted to give a thorough explanation as to why I’m leaving to the people I’ve spent the most time with here. I think I accomplished that.
I know mentioning religion is generally frowned upon, but I’d like to reference Matthew 18:7-10. Obviously, it’s not to be taken literally. The gist is: sometimes to protect your own well-being you have to take drastic measures and remove whatever it is that’s eating away your good habits. I hope whatever choices you all make in life are ones you’re happy with. I know this one definitely is for me. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders. So long \o
I’ve written and re-written this many times over the past week. Over that span of time, I talked to numerous people: the players, my fellow staff, and my parents. After consulting each party, I found one common denominator: I’m too stressed out. What should be a game to have fun has become something that’s taking a toll on me. It’s silly and stupid. I generally try to be a balanced person. This, though, is something I couldn’t meet half-way. It was either stay or leave. I thought about taking a break, but I’ve done that before. I’d always end up coming back and run into similar problems. For that reason, I’ve made this difficult decision. I wrote it in an organized format because that’s what I’m comfortable with. I’m very particular with my writing. Instead of one long ramble, I wanted it to have some structure. There's a lot of content, I wanted to show how serious I am about this decision and why. Thank you in advance for reading.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In my 3 year history with this community I have "left" multiple times. Each time, I never felt satisfied. Whether it was a "Rage-Quit" on SMP (ha, get it?
) or a demotion on one of the servers, I never felt good about it long-term. I always ended up just disappearing then re-appearing 5-6 months later. This was either because I had never achieved the build I wanted on SMP, or never got the true chance to prove myself as a staff member. However, I can say that this time around is very different. Sadly, I never successfully stayed around for one of Blocktopia's SMP's for its entire life-span, but I'm definitely not alone there. Anyway, concerning the reasons for my resignation and leaving: there are many, but I'll divide the main ones into sections.1. Blocktopia's Decline and the Overhaul.
Don't get me wrong. I am 100% in favor of the overhaul. Something has to be done when you lack a player base on almost all of your servers, and the majority of the community has drifted to other games. I've always been a console gamer. Minecraft is the only PC MMO I have ever played. The amount of time I have put into it is way more than I ever want to put into another PC game (or any game, for that matter). Honestly, I don’t see much being done right now, and I don't think our remaining minecraft servers will get much attention after the overhaul. If it still requires donations, I don't think it will last. Call me impatient, but here we are a month after the decision for the overhaul was made, and there’s nothing but speculation flying around. Regardless, I don’t really want to get started on another PC MMO game again.
2. The everlasting stress of RoF.
I'd be lying if I said the events of the past couple months didn't have a significant impact on this decision to resign. Since I have started Staffing in June, I have seen our average player base cut in half, major changes in the leadership (both good and bad), and progress slow to a halt thanks to bukkit. Most of these things might be fixed with the overhaul, sponge, and some advertisement. As I mentioned above, though, I don’t see much being done right now. My confidence in the direction RoF and all of minecraft will take is not optimistic.
As some of you may have noticed, I lost my position as “Trial” Vetop after holding the rank for about month. At first I was very upset about it, and, to be honest, I still am a little bit. Overall, I still think I did a good job. Then again, who wouldn’t be unhappy over losing a position? The official reason they gave me was along the lines of: “we feel Operator is a better position for you.” Not exactly a satisfying explanation, so I asked for more details. The reasons were fair enough, I suppose. I’ve since given up on any goals of ranking any further. Something I learned about all of this, though, is that I have a viewpoint that’s very different from the rest of the staff. I’m generally one to say Why Not instead of why. I’m very laid back. This is a game after all. Having set rules and guidelines is one thing, but I feel there are some things that some of the staff tend to take a bit too seriously. I also see quite a few double standards when it comes to what is considered “power abuse” and who is doing it.
RoF has become an afk server. There isn’t much that can be done about it. I just can’t sit
here putting another 30 days of ontime over the next 6 months in the hope of getting another promotion. Especially considering that I speculate Vetop won’t remain as a rank post-overhaul, which is probably for the better. I’ve burned myself out. It’s the same stuff day-to-day and I’m bored. Also, there’s a handful of staff that I don’t like. They’re like the coworkers that drive you nuts but you put up with them because the job pays you. Well, this job pays in fun. Unfortunately, dealing with said people is outweighing the fun. I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my own directors. I shouldn’t be getting anxious every time I talk to somebody who is just a few years older than me and has a few more commands. All this drama is one of the many the reasons I left high school and went to homeschool. Yet, I’m just as guilty of starting and spreading the drama as many of the others are. It’s just not what I want in a game.
All that being said, I shouldn't be completely negative. I still enjoy talking to people of my own age on a day to day basis. Many of the staff I get a long with, and for the most part I get a long with almost every player. When I returned in May, 10 months after my failed Op trial the previous August, I was set on getting staff again. I wanted to prove that I could do it. The leadership and almost the entire staff base had changed, so I took it as a chance, and I can gladly say I did it. 6 months now I have been staffing and I think I’ve proved that I’m just as good of an Op as any other. In the process I made new friends. I’m content with that. I don’t need to go any farther. I've had fun, I've met some awesome people, but there are times when it’s best to let go before it becomes a greater strain, as I’ll explain below.
3. Real Life
I'm pretty sure every legit goodbye thread follows with an explanation about why Real Life has in some way or another managed to get in the way of the digital world. In my case, it's the opposite. The digital world and this server have nearly consumed me.
Let me put this in perspective (Basic Math). I have about 30 days’ worth of ontime starting in June. There are 26 weeks in 6 months. That means I’ve put an average of around 27 hours every week or about 4 hours every day. And that’s with the 3 total weeks I was away factored in. That wouldn’t be much if we were talking about multiple games across different platforms, but for one game that I rarely afk on over that span of time is an addiction.
I'm almost 2 months behind where I should be on school work. (Algebra 2) I've delayed going to get my driver's license. I’ve lost weight by not eating as often as I should. (I’m scrawny enough as it is). Worst of all, I've allowed my association with people here affect my own spirituality and faith in my beliefs. It’s getting in the way of my good habits. This is all on my mind too much and I don’t know how to control it other than to cut it altogether. Yes, I could take a break, but that will only delay the problem. If anything, I’d go away for a month and this would sit on my mind every day. Eventually, I’d just come back and make this thread. Better to get it over with now and move on.
Something about sitting in front of a computer screen for hours is more taxing than playing a console game. That could be because my face is so much closer to a very bright screen, or it could be because I'm associating and talking with people. It's like high school, but instead of being judged by my looks, I'm only judged by what I say and how I act. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I think many of us are social outcasts, and a community like this is a good place to go to escape it all - But it's not reality, and it has its drawbacks. I never really felt good at the end of the day. When I started playing an MMO that allowed communication to the extent that this one did, I got hooked. Hours went by and I couldn’t control myself. It's different with console games. I’ll get tired of playing or bored and then I move on to something else. I need to break myself free for the sake of my own sanity. Even when I’m not online, this is on my mind. Whether it’s anger or excitement, I can’t stop thinking about the server.
I just want to move on now. No more disappearing and coming back 6 months later. I want 2015 to be a new start for me. (<- Cliché) I'm going to graduate in May. I'm going to start some college classes, get a job, maybe buy a car, etc. My family is finally moving away from this hellhole of a town. Maybe I’m getting overly optimistic about the future, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing when trying to put something behind you. I might still have a lot of free time, but I want to spend that time making new friends in my new congregation and playing a variety of console games. I don't want to burn myself out on another single game to the point that I have with Minecraft.
Story Time
At the end of the last school year, I thought that I was moving. I told everybody I wasn’t coming back because I hated that school and my family was planning to move. Unfortunately, we didn’t sell the house in time. I had 2 options: go back to that school or homeschool. I chose homeschool. Why? I was not going to make myself a hypocrite. Sure, people would’ve gotten over it, but I would have instantly damaged what little reputation I had with the few people I was ever “friends” with. And, like I said, I hated that place. Moral of the story? I don’t like to make myself a hypocrite. I wrote this long over-explained goodbye thread because now I know I won’t want to make myself a hypocrite and come back. I admit it’s not quite the same situation as school because I don’t hate this place, but it’s just becoming a repetitive problem that I can’t shake. Is it something that I 100% want to do? No. Is it something I need to do? Yes.
Shoutouts
I've made a number of "internet friends" in the 3 years I've been here - many of which have come and gone. However, a few still remain that I would like to point out. Most of these people are RoF players, staff, former staff, and people I used to talk to on team speak. You guys have been amazing. I appreciate the time you have spent getting to know me, put up with me, and laugh with me. It's been a lot of fun.
Std1997, Tamzies, Elandrir, Dessern5, CaffeinatedKitty, _4_, Shadeslayer, roboboy777 asaechao, Haysagar, zack27999, CrazyBites, Dielorelie, superhalo6, Purplepixies Biblius, Mikey.
You are all people I’ve talked to a lot in since the summer and have had a significant positive impact in one way or another. I was going to add a caption for each person, but I think this thread is long enough already.
A day after this post, I’m deleting my browser history, uninstalling Teamspeak and Minecraft, and blocking this website from this computer with a password that I’ll have my parents create. I’m also removing all Facebook friends I have added from here with the exception of the people I gave shout-outs too. I’ll still use plug.dj, but not the Blocktopia “official” one. You might find me in the night core channel or my own channel/asae's channel/die's channel, but I’m only going to be using it for listening to music while doing homework. I don't really use the computer for anything else besides this and homework, anyway.
I thank all of you who took the time to read this. Once this is posted, chances are I won’t see any replies beyond the current day. I didn’t write this massive essay just to read a bunch of goodbyes and then come back later. I don't want to come off as an attention whore. I wanted to give a thorough explanation as to why I’m leaving to the people I’ve spent the most time with here. I think I accomplished that.
I know mentioning religion is generally frowned upon, but I’d like to reference Matthew 18:7-10. Obviously, it’s not to be taken literally. The gist is: sometimes to protect your own well-being you have to take drastic measures and remove whatever it is that’s eating away your good habits. I hope whatever choices you all make in life are ones you’re happy with. I know this one definitely is for me. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders. So long \o
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