My Life as a Mutant (Based on the X-Men)

HypeDenchHype

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this my blog about a 13 year old mutant like if u like it loll!!! PS. every week i will update his blog.if i get at least 3 likes i will update more quickly thanks for Ur time.
20th of April 2012: Blog 1
21:34p.m
Hey. I’m writing a blog. It’s something I can really show my feelings to. I case you don’t know what a blog is, it’s kinda like a diary but it’s on the internet. Why am I telling you this? It’s not like anyone’s going to read it. Well I am a mutant. You probably know what they are from watching TV or leading about it in school. You might have even studied us in biology. You would think it would be epic if you had powers of your own and hang round with the X-Men (Just in case you don’t know who they are read Marvel Comics and the series X-men. Then It will make a lot of sense), well then, I’ll put you to shame. You live at this school. Professor Xavier’s School for gifted Students. The most boring school in all of history.
Oh so now you want to know my power, huh? Well mine is to control objects, but when I really need to use it, it doesn't work. And when I’m talking to my friends, BAM they sprawl across the ground. Not often. So I’m just some random kid who can only use his power like, never when I need it.
So I was eating lunch with a couple of friends when Dan, like the biggest bully (his power is to absorb objects and his skin becomes that material) shoved me, absorbed the material of the table and slammed his hard, plastic fists into my face. I was sent flying to the other end. My head was smashed against the glass. I was left on the floor helpless while Dan killed all my other mates. I have no idea how long I was there but I was paralyzed, I think. Then I felt someone picking me up. It was DARKHENDER, probably the hottest girl ever! She asked if I was OK. “I’m fine I grumbled. Thanks.”
Next I threw up all over the floor and she took me to Professor X who told me to go clean myself up and go and do something. I spent the rest of the day in my room. Doing stuff like playing Spider man Shattered Dimensions on my Stark Tech game console. (Tony Stark is the man behind Iron Man)
 

HypeDenchHype

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21st of April 2012: Blog 2
12:35p.m

I'm writing this quick blog which is the best experience ever. I'll tell you later cos I really need to get to class. It involves Wolverine fighting bad guys. It's epic. You'll like it!
CYA:bounce:
 

Prizyms

あんたバカァ~!?
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No disrespect intended, but if I can be brutally honest, this isn't the best attempt at a story as it stands now. I can show you how to improve it though.

First, your descriptions are overly complicated. Don't shove all of the descriptions into the opening paragraphs - let the reader find out more as the plot progresses. Second, you're overusing bracketed terms and it comes off as a little condescending and "I'm telling you this because I can" towards the reader - maybe have one, but leave out the rest. Third, the characters are stereotypical and generic - mix up their personalities, give them something to make them memorable.

Which brings me onto my next point.

There's nothing unique about this story. This story needs a stand-out feature that differentiates it from the countless other 'teenager with superpower' stories out there. I can't tell you, because it's not my story, but you need to think of something to make this story different and refreshing.

This has been a long-winded literary criticism, but I hope you take some of it in and improve your story with it. I look forward to seeing the finished product.
 

JohnOgozalek

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I was going to write a more lengthy comment in reply to this thread, but Prizyms summarized my thoughts incredibly well. Mainly (the thing Priz already touched on), the way you put all of your information into the first sentence and/or paragraph is very overwhelming and confusing.


''I calmly sit in the chair. 'Ole rickety was what my mother used to call the blue chair, and I guess that's what I call him as well. He always squeaked when I sat down, and sighed as I left his embrace. I hated that sigh, it meant that I was returning to my, well frankly, messed up life. The moments sitting in Rickety, staring at the screen as people left their sentiments on my life, were usually the best.''

This is just a small example of what I mean by simplifying it and having less description as Priz put it. By no means, you shouldn't change your blog/story to something like this, but it would be much more easier to read and understand. I hope you take these small comments to heart and improve your story. You can never, ever, fully perfect a story, just toy with it until your satisfied. Good luck.

P.S. Kinda reminds me of the movie Chronicle, if you've never seen it, it's a good movie!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1706593/
 

HypeDenchHype

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Oh yeah I needed to tell you about the most EPIC moment ever. So I was chatting to my friends (if a person DOES find this, my friends didn't actually die) and a giant spinning ball smashed through the window. My DarkHender created a force field around us and we were safe. I realized that it was Wolverine fighting this person who seemed to have super speed. The man was zooming around Wolverine while Wolverine waved his claws out like this, oh wait you can’t see me it’s a blog. Anyway... Wolverine popped his claws in, grabbed the quick guy and hurtled him across the room. Shooooooom he went as he flew through the air. He grunted as he smashed through the wall into a girl’s room. She shrieked and pushed her wardrobe on him. It hurt him bad. SNAFT went Wolverine claws as they slide out his hands. “Get outta o’ here spy,” Wolverine growled before he spat on him. As quick as a flash the man zoomed right out of the wall he broke.
“Remember kids! If there’s one of Magneto’s mutants. Show him how to dance,” Wolverine chuckled before leaving the room.
Let me tell u about my friends well I have friend darkhender who was that FIT chick but her powers are that she can turn invisible anytime she wants so she done some fair pranks on me she can also create force fields! My other friend is ansoro, ansoro is the woman magnet he can get any girl he wants any time he wants but that’s not his powers his powers are that he can fly with ANGEL WINGS THE REAL DEAL:angel: ! My other friend is called Solis he’s just so cute but he’s not so cute when he turns angry he transform into a…… mouse! Just kidding he transform into a giant wolf! And know my friend forest knight he can absorb any material and turn into it (he was that bully who gave me a beating but were friends now).Pretty cool huh. Oh so I’m going to shut down my computer now. BOOOOOOOP.
 

zezmi

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Oh yeah I needed to tell you about the most EPIC moment ever. So I was chatting to my friends (if a person DOES find this, my friends didn't actually die) and a giant spinning ball smashed through the window. My DarkHender created a force field around us and we were safe. I realized that it was Wolverine fighting this person who seemed to have super speed. The man was zooming around Wolverine while Wolverine waved his claws out like this, oh wait you can’t see me it’s a blog. Anyway... Wolverine popped his claws in, grabbed the quick guy and hurtled him across the room. Shooooooom he went as he flew through the air. He grunted as he smashed through the wall into a girl’s room. She shrieked and pushed her wardrobe on him. It hurt him bad. SNAFT went Wolverine claws as they slide out his hands. “Get outta o’ here spy,” Wolverine growled before he spat on him. As quick as a flash the man zoomed right out of the wall he broke.
“Remember kids! If there’s one of Magneto’s mutants. Show him how to dance,” Wolverine chuckled before leaving the room.
Let me tell u about my friends well I have friend darkhender who was that FIT chick but her powers are that she can turn invisible anytime she wants so she done some fair pranks on me she can also create force fields! My other friend is ansoro, ansoro is the woman magnet he can get any girl he wants any time he wants but that’s not his powers his powers are that he can fly with ANGEL WINGS THE REAL DEAL:angel: ! My other friend is called Solis he’s just so cute but he’s not so cute when he turns angry he transform into a…… mouse! Just kidding he transform into a giant wolf! And know my friend forest knight he can absorb any material and turn into it (he was that bully who gave me a beating but were friends now).Pretty cool huh. Oh so I’m going to shut down my computer now. BOOOOOOOP.
nice! I like how the story decribed all of the powers, but remember we need to see those powers in action in the next part of the story :)
 
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