tl;dr avoid too much stress/adrenaline/isolation/drugs, it ain't cool
It's a state of complete indifference. I wouldn't care, but for the most part of my life I was used to something different. Tiredly you stand up, breath, do stuff, but life is passing by, as if I was watching TV. How I act, what I say and everything that spontaneously escapes me in a situation flows past me and you can feel the distance to reality, as if space itself is more and more diverging. This state of your mind dissolving is unreachable for empathy, joy and the fascination of life. It feels like handling a huge machine cycle, of which neither beginning nor end have meaning. During the short and rare moments of reality and myself merging there's a minute feel of enjoying life, only to quickly dissolve into hopelessness and suicide. Contrary to the absurd, this state doesn't cause existential fear. Meaning, values and some instincts are covered under a deep surface. Your mind and your body dissolve.
Why even use and challenge your rational mind? Well, it's the last resort to bring harmony to the way you perceive reality and the world. In the end you have to force yourself to everything, since nothing can be 'just' done, experienced or enjoyed. Should I be ignorant, get used to it and just forget about the past? Everything I've lived and experienced seems to be terribly far away. Unforgetable moments of other people are for me just another meaningless part of what you call life.
Is there even any other state which so profoundly denies life itself and robs you from your sanity? In a developed, efficient society primitive states of motivation and reward are robbed. Survival has lost it's original meaning. You either are working on yourself until you despair, or you chase meaningless ideals with the invariant consequence of having to rest at some point, whilst noticing that you're still in the same situation, as if you were playing a chess game where computers already proved the game to be a draw.
You're used to feeling joy and chasing your dreams, but now it's like walking in a white and black coloured city and sometimes there's bright colours, but it quickly fades. Your inner peace and rationality don't permit fascination. If I should kill myself some day, this text is the exact reason. You can deal with moments of major depression, (I'm not depressed as I write this), but the accumulated suffering and the huge distance of a better future make going on impossible like in the little fable from Franz Kafka.
A beautiful situation with my gilfriend, for example, relates to multiple adjacently aligned pendulums, where the felt intensity only makes the last pendulum move, but the deliberation has almost equal intensity and the overall force slowly fades.
The worst thing is the utter solitude I feel everywhere. It's like I'm a ghost who can't talk to other people, who are complete opposites of me and enjoy their time in the flow of life.
feel free to delete this if it's too whiny 20 year old emo, if that's what you believe
It's a state of complete indifference. I wouldn't care, but for the most part of my life I was used to something different. Tiredly you stand up, breath, do stuff, but life is passing by, as if I was watching TV. How I act, what I say and everything that spontaneously escapes me in a situation flows past me and you can feel the distance to reality, as if space itself is more and more diverging. This state of your mind dissolving is unreachable for empathy, joy and the fascination of life. It feels like handling a huge machine cycle, of which neither beginning nor end have meaning. During the short and rare moments of reality and myself merging there's a minute feel of enjoying life, only to quickly dissolve into hopelessness and suicide. Contrary to the absurd, this state doesn't cause existential fear. Meaning, values and some instincts are covered under a deep surface. Your mind and your body dissolve.
Why even use and challenge your rational mind? Well, it's the last resort to bring harmony to the way you perceive reality and the world. In the end you have to force yourself to everything, since nothing can be 'just' done, experienced or enjoyed. Should I be ignorant, get used to it and just forget about the past? Everything I've lived and experienced seems to be terribly far away. Unforgetable moments of other people are for me just another meaningless part of what you call life.
Is there even any other state which so profoundly denies life itself and robs you from your sanity? In a developed, efficient society primitive states of motivation and reward are robbed. Survival has lost it's original meaning. You either are working on yourself until you despair, or you chase meaningless ideals with the invariant consequence of having to rest at some point, whilst noticing that you're still in the same situation, as if you were playing a chess game where computers already proved the game to be a draw.
You're used to feeling joy and chasing your dreams, but now it's like walking in a white and black coloured city and sometimes there's bright colours, but it quickly fades. Your inner peace and rationality don't permit fascination. If I should kill myself some day, this text is the exact reason. You can deal with moments of major depression, (I'm not depressed as I write this), but the accumulated suffering and the huge distance of a better future make going on impossible like in the little fable from Franz Kafka.
A beautiful situation with my gilfriend, for example, relates to multiple adjacently aligned pendulums, where the felt intensity only makes the last pendulum move, but the deliberation has almost equal intensity and the overall force slowly fades.
The worst thing is the utter solitude I feel everywhere. It's like I'm a ghost who can't talk to other people, who are complete opposites of me and enjoy their time in the flow of life.
feel free to delete this if it's too whiny 20 year old emo, if that's what you believe