World War Elysium, the full story. (Unofficial)
- Thread starter Zeus42000
- Start date
The Tommyleej's?? Anyway Cool stories Zues Keep up the good work!
Jubjubers
Best BuildBox Guy 2011 - 2013
The Sancticians evolve into new, omniscient beings too far advanced for mortal bodies, now watching over you all and though unknown, controlling the map and you.
Join Sancti > become a ball of godlike power
also who/what is wisteria
Join Sancti > become a ball of godlike power
also who/what is wisteria
Elysium. The New Order Part 1
In the land of Volgograd, people are sobbing each day. The once beautiful city of Crucia, now lines with police everywhere. They are beating protestors, mobs, anything that defies them. The Rossyian Government had made a foothold on the surface. However, they still are mostly underground. The Rossyian Air Force is now fully ready. An Air Force is a branch Volgograd doesnt have. Tommyleej is head of the RoAF. He worked with Biblius to organize a plan to rid Volgograd off the land! The people of Rossyia cheer, "Hooray for an end of sorrow!" NogTrog comes goes into Volgograd, disguised as an old lady. Nog is beaten of the Volgograd Police, Thankfully, he was wearing armor underneath, so he was unharmed. He did get vital info. There are not any radar stations in Volgograd. Biblius said "We are not ready to fight Volgograd, but we are ready to prepare." Then a man in a mario suit came along. NogTrog said, "Who are you?" The man said,"Itsa me! A tnmjimbob!" Biblius said, "Hello there?" Right then, tnm joined Rossyia. They also got superstein to join. Rossyia had the advantage. But, will they succeed? Is tnm really Mario? Will Volgograd fall and peace be restored??
In the land of Volgograd, people are sobbing each day. The once beautiful city of Crucia, now lines with police everywhere. They are beating protestors, mobs, anything that defies them. The Rossyian Government had made a foothold on the surface. However, they still are mostly underground. The Rossyian Air Force is now fully ready. An Air Force is a branch Volgograd doesnt have. Tommyleej is head of the RoAF. He worked with Biblius to organize a plan to rid Volgograd off the land! The people of Rossyia cheer, "Hooray for an end of sorrow!" NogTrog comes goes into Volgograd, disguised as an old lady. Nog is beaten of the Volgograd Police, Thankfully, he was wearing armor underneath, so he was unharmed. He did get vital info. There are not any radar stations in Volgograd. Biblius said "We are not ready to fight Volgograd, but we are ready to prepare." Then a man in a mario suit came along. NogTrog said, "Who are you?" The man said,"Itsa me! A tnmjimbob!" Biblius said, "Hello there?" Right then, tnm joined Rossyia. They also got superstein to join. Rossyia had the advantage. But, will they succeed? Is tnm really Mario? Will Volgograd fall and peace be restored??
Undefined User 7
Psychosomatic
Thank you for your rude, immature response to someone else's work. Very sporting of you, let's see you write a story. Then I'll come and insult your hard work. Apparently you seem to enjoy doing it to others. (Don't be a dick.)
It's an interesting story, I'd love to see some development!
EDIT: Actually, here's why your post is really ticking people off. I feel like I should explain it to you.
When someone writes a story, they are putting their thoughts, dreams and emotions out for everyone to see. It's not an easy thing to do, I can tell you that. I've been writing for over 6 years, and it's always nerve-racking to put something out. You were really being a dick because you took someone elses ideas and creativity and insulted it. It's really just bullying, and it's really not acceptable behaviour in this community.
Sadly, I don't write stories. I've never fancied it, and to be frank I read mostly history anyway. But if you really want to insult me, go for it (inb4 you already did), I certainly spend too much effort writing posts on forums.
Now, as for my actual comments on the story; I'll give you a fair point that my comments are abrupt and definitely more rude than they were meant. They could have used a more positive tone and some explanation. They weren't meant to crush anyone's dreams, and judging by the continued stories I think it's safe to say that I haven't. I do apologize, to Zeus and anyone else who took offense, for the harshness of them. I'll see if I can rephrase what I meant below.
But I do think it's important to receive criticism. If people are unable to be told that improvement can be made, then their successes in life will be limited to what they're capable of without feedback, without the realization that something better can be done. If you really need a good analogy as to why that's important, then you can look at war itself (the subject of the stories in this thread). Most fights are horribly imbalanced, usually because the side that's going to win has better equipment and training. It's been the deciding factor of most of Rome's battles, most tank battles in history, most of the wars that America has engaged in, most of everything to do with war. There are notable exceptions, and we can name many of them because they are so notable, but they aren't the majority of anything. The reality of life is that everyone will learn at some point that what they've done, regardless of what amount of creativity, emotion or effort they put in, simply isn't enough or very good. Most people will hear it many times in their life, and I know I have.
If there's a life lesson to be learned, it's that you are going to do things that don't work out the way you want them (my first post, for example), that won't live up to the judgement of others. It isn't inherently wrong to fail or do poorly at anything, nor does the judgement of others necessarily mean that you've done anything wrong (or right, for that matter). You will also certainly be able to do better in the future if you can identify what can be improved when it does happen. Nobody has nothing but break-away goals their entire life, but everyone else is striving to get closer to it, and you will be compared to others.
Now, if my first post was bullying, then you've accomplished the same thing. I'll grant that it was rude, but bullying is something beyond a rude comment. If I were sitting in this thread and continually harassing anyone or making threats, then you'd have a case (and fyi, I have continued reading this thread). Futher, if my post is bothering people, then they should say something. As far as I know, the only person ticked off so far is you, and I certainly can't respond to anyone's feelings if they won't say anything (and responding with something unnecessarily mean to anyone's feelings would definitely be a strong case for the bullying argument).
Finally, the rephrasing I promised you:
I'd like to make a few recommendations that I think would improve your writing. If you're going to use a particular setting, you should usually start with an accurate picture, or give some context in which the inaccuracies work. Beginning with "Sancti ruled the land" doesn't hold much meaning. It either means that Sancti rules everything, which is clearly not the case (and would be inaccurate), or that Sancti rules anything of value, which is again clearly not the case (and would be quite biased).
You should also keep that setting in context to some degree. I don't mind at all that the story will develop however the writer feels, and I don't think the plot you've laid out is bad. I do think that jumping to developing nuclear weapons in the setup of events, in a world where people are still using swords and bows, has no context and doesn't make any sense. This is why I think it's incomplete; there is definitely an opportunity to put some background into the events unfolding, so that they have a context within the setting.
As I've said in the wall of text above, this is meant to be constructive criticism. You can take it or leave it, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
(Reading the fleshed out thoughts, I'm going to hide my first post. There's a pretty significant difference here.)
Undefined User 7
Psychosomatic
Wow. Just... wow. I'm floored by this response. I don't know what to say, but I'm really impressed. This is really mature of you. Wow. I'm going to edit this when I can find words...
EDIT: Okay, so I should first apologies for misinterpreting your criticism. It was pretty blunt. I do agree with you, criticism is important. It helps us improve as writers. However, it's the craft of the critic to critique wisely. In this new post you've done very well with that. Feedback is important, and I'm sure Zeus will appreciate it.
Elysium: The New Order Part 2
Rossyia has finally prepared for the uprising. Guns, in development before the bombs fell, were finished and ready for battle. Volgograd didnt know what was going on. They passed a law saying that if you are caught watching any tv station not approved by them, you will be shot. People spied on the Volgo's, and gave info the Rossyians. They trained for months after this. Biblius said, "We are ready" Tnmjimbob said, "WaHoo!" NogTrog said "We will win." Volgograd doesnt have any military. They think they will win by fear of their police. But, will Rossyia launch the assault? Will freedom be restored?
(Sorry its short, its a prep for the final part of Elysium: The New Order)
Rossyia has finally prepared for the uprising. Guns, in development before the bombs fell, were finished and ready for battle. Volgograd didnt know what was going on. They passed a law saying that if you are caught watching any tv station not approved by them, you will be shot. People spied on the Volgo's, and gave info the Rossyians. They trained for months after this. Biblius said, "We are ready" Tnmjimbob said, "WaHoo!" NogTrog said "We will win." Volgograd doesnt have any military. They think they will win by fear of their police. But, will Rossyia launch the assault? Will freedom be restored?
(Sorry its short, its a prep for the final part of Elysium: The New Order)
The satellite clan of Sancti, Oceanus was flabbergasted by what became of the new community of Rossyia and noticed that everyone was their enemies. and instead of fighting with them or against them, a new member that joined right before the chaos turned into uber chaos, gone into hiding in shelter in a secret base.
His name, was alex1998.
His name, was alex1998.
Elysium: The New Order, The Finale
Rossyia launched the attack on Volgograd. On the streets, chaos was everywhere. Civilians were helping Rossyia out in the war for Vologograd. Soon, all civilians were gone. Rossyia launched the airstrike, with a new technology called airplanes. They shattered Volgograd. She went t her knees, and surrendered. After that, Volgograd become Wisteria once more. Sancti and Esper became there own governments, now working together for peace. The head government is still Rossyia. The people remember their fallen comrades. They made Elysium, into a beautiful world. Now, what lies in store next?
(COMING SOON) World War Elyisum:Before the Bombs fell
Rossyia launched the attack on Volgograd. On the streets, chaos was everywhere. Civilians were helping Rossyia out in the war for Vologograd. Soon, all civilians were gone. Rossyia launched the airstrike, with a new technology called airplanes. They shattered Volgograd. She went t her knees, and surrendered. After that, Volgograd become Wisteria once more. Sancti and Esper became there own governments, now working together for peace. The head government is still Rossyia. The people remember their fallen comrades. They made Elysium, into a beautiful world. Now, what lies in store next?
(COMING SOON) World War Elyisum:Before the Bombs fell